What Life Means to Me

This is a free-write that I recently discovered in the process of composing my journals for my English class. Add some breaks and batta-bom. Poetry- or at least something interesting to read.

Life means different things to me at different times.

When I am happy, slept well, distressed: I typically look at life as an adventure to explore. 

Never ending twists and turns. 

Bam. Make it happen.

When I am looking at the stars or the sunset, I see the world as a puzzle.

The mystery and wonder is mine to contemplate.

Logic, luck, glamour.

I feel small. Insignificant even. 

I ponder my meaning.

Life feels like a game to won.

Sometimes life pisses me off.

There are times I don't see the point.

We come. 

We live.

We die. 

We come into life unable to physically do anything.

Then we are bound by society to conform to their morals. 

After we are "old enough" to make decisions for ourselves, finances trap us.

We work.

We sweat and cry until we are too old to physically do anything.

Then our minds leave us. 

Then we're gone.

Alone.

Dark,

Free?

I consider myself a hopeful person.

I believe Jesus is coming back for me.

Life should be a party.

Yet, we let Greed, Anger, and Insecurites get in our way. 

Life is about letting go.

Life is acceptance.

Life is meant to be good.

It is up to us.

Perspective is everything.

Without it, life can be nothing.

i merely am

my world isn't fading.
death is nowhere to be found.
there is nothing on the line.
i merely long for the long forgotten sense of recognition.


my memory is irreparably damaged of knowledge of acceptance and meaning.
i'm not depressed. 
i'm not enthused.
i'm not aware.
i merely am.


i don't melt at Your words.
Your presence settles me into a comfortable state of familiarity. 
there is no fear.
there is no reward.


to continue to force a belief that there is more is pathetic.  
i deserve at least that.
there is assurance in solidity of knowledge.


i don't long for my predisposed and ignorant understanding of love.
attraction is formed through a chemical reaction in our brains at the sight of another being that arouses us.


how romantic.


Your conversations don't capture me in a suspension of exploding desire like they used to.
the sight of You no longer stirs a response from the man within me.
any eloquently written scripts of love and passion devolved to superficiality and a weak attempt of persuasion. 


i only wanted to be wanted.
You're arms are cold.
hold me tighter.  

Excuses

That moment of silence when there are no words left to say.
I tried.
I did my best. 
I'm not enough.


There isn't anything I can say now. Is there?
No magic words. No healing phrases. No thoughts of comfort.
I let you down.


It wasn't the first time. God knows it better be the last.
I wish I could blame you.
I wish I could blame them.
I wish I could blame anything in the world. 




I just want you to look at me again.




I'm a human, right? 
Humans make mistakes.
Mistakes help us grow.
Growing lets us learn.


I haven't learned. Have I?


"I'll do better next time?"
"It'll never happen again."
"I finally got it out of my system."
"From now on, I'm clean!"


You've heard all my lies. 
You know all my tricks.
I'm pathetic. 
You deserve more.


My breath is stale from excuses.
Your ears are bloody from pretending to believe. 


The movie is over.
You can finally go home. 

Stops My Heart

The smoke that leaves your lips
Stops my heart.
It eats my mind.
It consumes my thoughts.


The venom you spew
Stops my heart.
It spreads through my body.
It prickles my skin.



The lies you sling
Stop my heart.
They block my air.
They clog my veins.


The way you look at me
Stops my heart.
It chokes my words.
It forces my eyes open.


The love you steal from me
Stops my heart.
It stops my heart.
You stop my heart. 

The Blurry Page

Staring at the blurry page, 
I don't know what to write.
I feel no motivation now, 
But I'll write just in spite.


I'll tell a tale of dragons
Knights, and Quests, and Blood.
Or a tale of Romance:
A woman and her stud.


Do you want to hear of mystery?
A man in a tall cloak?
The Cowboys and the Indians
Disappeared in a puff of smoke. 


A princess who needs saving
Helps a boy become a man.
A villain is defeated, 
They stopped his evil plan.


Listening to silence, 
I don't know what to write.
I'm feeling rather sleepy now.
For now I'll just sit tight. 

Hate and Love are Fire and Ice.

Love can not be defined in passing.

Some think it is rather quaint.

They don't understand the bigger picture:

That your heart- It will easily taint.

Hate has a larger significance

Than what we try and give it.

There is a deeper, darker part

One can't always acquit.

Hate and love are fire and Ice. 

As different as different can be.

One is happy, the other sad:

Wouldn't you agree?

But that is not the case.

They're closer than you think.

Go too far one way, there you are! 

They actually interlink.

Love and Hate take so much effort

To truly do them well.

You deserve so little from me.

Apathy is all I'll dispel.

Beauty

Beauty is formed through the loss of perfection.
So why do you cover your face?
That pimple, that blemish, that scratch and the scar
Are charm no blush can replace.


Forget about the magazines,
They use computers and lies.
I much prefer the light of the moon
And the reflection in your eyes.


Your beauty is found in your smile.
Your grace is in your heart.
There's so much more in this world
Plus it doesn't hurt you're smart.


Embrace your idiosyncrasies.
Embrace your "faults" and "flaws."
God made you with a special plan.
Good things: you'll be the cause. 


Beauty is found in the loss of perfection,
But maybe not in your case.
For you were perfect in my eyes
Before you covered your face.

William Carlos Williams

These three were written for my CHS English Class. It is my first attempt at found poems, or free verse for that matter... Enjoy! Or don't, I don't control you.

The Flame

the flame quivers

gently

as the cat

watches

the spark slowly

die

and the room grow

dark

A Handy Guide

a handy guide to forget your

past purchases

of minor aches and other

frozen pains

do not read if you’ve never had a

heartache-related reaction to love

may cause bloating

Frozen Pizza

1) Pre-heat relationship to first date.

2) Remove heart from chest and place on your sleeve.

3) Place trust in her for 20-30 years or until finished life. 

Blue Skies lost their Wonder

I'm finished with this suffering.
I'm done with all this pain.
I'm sick of all this rambling.
I will not be the same.


I wouldn't say I'm happy now.
I wouldn't say I'm not.
I don't feel really anything.
It's really not a lot.


Apathy running boldly,
Coursing through my veins.
Confusion bubbling upward,
Not sure of what pertains.


Blue skies lost their wonder.
Dark clouds lost their scare.
Forgetting how to smile,
Yet I don't even care.


Failing doesn't matter.
Success is not a choice.
I can't even think right now.
How can I have a voice?


The lights are all burnt out now.
I'm sitting here alone.
Yet there are people everywhere.
I'm better on my own.

Drip.

This poem is dedicated to an individual that would freak out if I put their name on the internet. You know who you are. With love, your poem.

Drip. Feel the sweat.
Drop. See the blood.
Tick. Claw your way.
Tock. To the top.
Drip. Make mistakes.
Drop. Pay the price.
Tick. Fall back down.
Tock. To your start.
Drip. Understand.
Drop. Life goes.
Tick. Then accept.
Tock. You are more.

Through the Eyes of Princess Jasmine

Running forward,
Bouncing Back.
Reaching Toward you,
Touching Glass.
Peering outward,
My view a blur.
My hands are numbing.
I need more.
Just to see you,
never touch.
It is my torture.
It's not enough.
The sand is dripping.
My ankle's trapped.
I had my moment.
My chance elapsed.
Now I wait here,
Slowly covered
By the sand
Of my lost Lover.

I pray to God

If I pass you on the street, 
I pray to God: our eyes to meet.


If I meet you in my sleep, 
I dream to God: my heart, you'll keep.


If I love you in real life, 
I hope to God, you'll be my wife.


And If I wed you in the rain, 
I trust to God you'll share my pain. 

Perspectives

I can see us now,
Rocking in our chairs, 
Sipping lemonade, 
Our grand-kids upstairs.


I can see us now,
Hair turning grey, 
Wrinkles setting in, 
Our love turned ballet.


I can see us now,
Finding something new, 
Finding something borrowed, 
Both old and new. 


I can see us now,
Me waiting there, 
You walking down, 
Fresh flowers in your hair.


I can see us now, 
Discovering hope, 
Experiencing pain, 
We'll learn how to cope.


I can see us now,
Our awkward first date, 
My lame pick up lines, 
It's not a mistake. 


Why can't you see
What's right in front of us, 
The joy that we could have?
You are the one I trust.


For now I'll wait, 
Laugh, cry, and mourn.
You'll never care.
You'd think I would learn.
I'll stand up, move on.
I do not know how.
I'll probably fail. 
I can see it now. 

Will you weep?

Love is simple,
Love is kind.
Can't tame these feelings
In my mind

Calm, Collected.
Sure, I'm fine.
Depression creeping.
I'm on the line.

Clawing, scraping,
Gasping for life.
Falling, fading:
My internal strife.

Should I reach out?
Can I break free?
The silver I saw,
I no longer see.

Holding my chest,
longing for breath,
this terrifying tango,
this dance of death.

Then you came,
nose stuck in a book.
My heart, my mind:
you cluelessly took.

My heart was in shock.
My mind insane.
Sitting rock bottom,
the whole world to gain.

Yet there you sat,
not knowing, entranced.
Our meeting, your smile.
It wasn't by chance. 

Now day after day
I wonder, I ponder.
Alone with my pen,
my hope: please don't squander.

Just give me a glance.
Give me a shot!
All I want is a moment.
It isn't a lot.

You don't know me.
Mayhap you never will.
It all depends 
what I do with this pill.